It's been half a year since I blogged. But today, I just need a place to say it all out cos' I have no one to tell it to.. I know he loves me, I truly believe that I'm the only one he loves, no matter what happens. But what's love without trust? I gave all my trust to him, but he took advantage of it and lied to me, trying to hide it.. When I found out where you went on Wednesday night, my heart really just cracked.. I couldn't think of why you didn't tell me a single thing about going there.. Usually you would ask me before you go, and even if I said no, and you went, at least I knew.. But this time, I had no clue that you went. How could you lie to me so perfectly? I never doubted you at all when you said you were busy that night. I never wanted to ruin your birthday chalet, I never want to ruin your birthday and most of all, I don't want us to end up in a raging quarrel if I were to ask you about this. But I can't contain my hurt.. I cried for 2 hours after I woke up at 5pm this evening. At first, I was hurt because you were hiding things from me and I could not understand why dar would be like this out of a sudden. Especially.. Especially when at that point of time, you knew how much I was doing for you, for your birthday, for your happiness. It hurts to know that even knowing all I'm doing and have done without complain for you, you did this, and hurt me so deeply. But what made things worse was when I looked back on our messages on 8 August night. I was reminded that it was our anniversary. You told me that the whole day you were busy studying and had to buy things for 'us'. Now the thing that I keep asking myself is, did you really go and buy or do something for us? Or was it just a lie to cover the actual fact of where you went? I wish I knew the answer.. But only you will know.. And that night, you told me that you were helping your mama do things that's why you were busy and kept not replying me. And when I called you, you rejected my call and said you can't call that night, twice. I just believed all your words and didn't complain about you not being able to call. But now that I know the reason why you couldn't call or pick up my call was because you were there.. My heart is shattered into pieces.. How could you lie to me so well? How could you do it so perfectly? And even the next day when you came to my house so tired, and I asked you why were you so tired, you could easily tell me that you woke up at 6am to go out with your parents.. When in fact, you were still out there.. Dar, do you know how much it hurts when I slowly put the pieces together and I realise or the lies..? I know you love me deeply, but what happened here? Why are you doing this? And I know that you know that I'll be so hurt when I find out this truth or when you tell me this someday in the future. Why can you bring yourself to do this? All I'm wishing now is for you to come to me on your own, and tell me that you went there on wednesday and want to apologise or admit what you've done.. But I know well enough that this won't happen.. That night, when I asked you for a longer goodnight message because it was our anniversary, you said that you promise you'll send one the next night instead.. But you didn't.. Dar, I know I don't like you go clubbing is one thing that you hate, but is it fair to lie and hide this from me? Doesn't it hurt you anymore to lie to me? Why was it so easy? I don't know how to put myself and my emotions together right now.. I only can pretend to be okay in front of you.. But I wish I could read your mind or heart right now, and find out and understand your heart and your love for me.. Dar during this chalet keep talking about my trust for dar.. I trust dar 100%.. But when dar do this to me.. I don't know how..
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