im lucky today..
managed to NOT CRY in front of anyone..
seems like im still able to hold back my tears and emotions.
but whenever anyone reminds me of what happened,
i really feel like crying..
almost cried in front of hazel uh..
that stupid girl cried before me..hahas.xP
hais..i just really want to stop crying..
but i cant.
i myself cant even tell if im really happy in school..
as much as i was very "high" in sch today..
i dont even understand myself..
i just keep telling myself not to cry no matter what..
i managed to do it.
but as soon i got to be alone,
i broke down again..
why cant life be a bed of roses?
living in perfection and happiness every minute of life.
i myself made the decision to ask you to go home yourself and not wait for me.
and yet im feeling upset over that.
i know you cant send me home anymore.
i told you not to.
but im stupidly getting upset over what i told you to do.
its the only way to solve the problems at hand,
but its really heart-shattering.
living silently in agony.
not easy at all.
im too used to always having you there anytime,
now everything changes,
im totally not getting used to it at all.
i know i have to learn how to accept it.
i know it,yet im not doing it.
or rather,im UNABLE to do it.
im only holding on for only one reason.
and that reason is that i love you.
i guess that reason alone is enough to let me hold on,
pull myself together and hang on throughout.
[i want to cry.im crying.yet i dont feel a single bit better.]